My poor brain has been fumbling around blog ideas for months now. Getting all excited to write something I am passionate about and then studying instead (or at least procrastinating the studying).
Two weeks ago now I finally got my freedom. One month out of school, half of it on vacation in Hawaii (where I am currently writing from). I thought for sure all of my ideas would blossom into real words on electronic pages, for no better reason getting them out of head so I could feel sane once again. But, no. I have been school free since December 9th and this is my first blog post – If it even makes it to a blog post. The boys should be home soon and I want to soak up every minute of family I can. Don’t get me wrong, I have done wonderful soul-food and productive things this month. My husband and I spent the first few evenings of my break settting up Christmas decorations and drinking tea, we took some time to reflect with Anne Voskamp’s Advent devotional (amazing), I watched LOTS of Full House, I cleaned my walls, doors, windows, and toilet. And now that I am on real vacation I have spent perfect nights around the table with my in-laws, days at the beach, and have indulged in copious amounts of napping. Not to mention all my soul-food reads from authors Shuana Niequist, Sarah Bessey and Danielle LaPorte (again, all amazing). Its been a fantastic couple of weeks and I am trying not to care about the real life to-do lists I have typed out in at least five places. I will get there. I have promised myself. And there is rain the forecast – perfect for computer days (and more naps).
This is the first of my to-do list items, though it is not as I expected. I really do want to write about things that make my gears grind, and things that make my heart go pitter-patter. But, that seems like a lot right now. Maybe because there is a palm tree out my window or that I get to spend most afternoons snuggling in the warm sunshine with my husband who currently smells like a perfect mix of salty ocean water and old spice (TMI?). Those big and passionate ideas just seem far off at the moment. Thankfully, I have had a lot of reminders about what matters over the last few weeks.
In my readings I am finding so many connections to I want to write about. I hear myself shouting “YES!” every couple pages of Jesus Feminist by Sarah Bessey. I cry every few pages of Bread and Wine by Shauna Niequist, and I am in serious contemplation for the new year as I reflect on Danielle LaPorte’s Desire Map. In addition, attending my in-laws church, which focuses reaching their local community with love and acceptance is inspiring. Watching people care about change always ignites a flame inside of me. Plus, all of the family time reminds me over and over again how lucky I am. These reminders are moving in me – slowly, like everything but the waves in hawaii, but still something is growing inside of me. Something that gives me hope for the new year and for the lessons I have learned so far. Which, makes me feel less guilty about the to-do list.
Do you know what I mean? Do you have those slowly changing seasons that can sometimes feel like procrastination and fear, but you desperately hope they are healing and rejuvenating instead, or at least in addition to. This season feels like the perfect saturday morning to me.
Let me explain:
I feel change happening. I mentioned in my last post how winter is usually a time of waiting for me, where growth is so slow it often doesn’t feel like anything is happening at all. But, I hold out hope because I know new life comes in the spring, if I allow winter to do its work and am present for the tiny steps in the snow (or rain).
So, to me its like the rare saturday morning where you do not have any plans – the perfect saturday morning. The first time in a while you haven’t had to set an alarm and the either the sun or urge to pee wakes you up (the latter for me, always). And then when you do you wait for a while not wanting to leaves the comfy covers, but alas you must. You straggle out of bed one eye open and do what you need before grabbing a big glass of water and returning to bed. You got up, even if just for a second. Its okay to go back to bed, to retreat a little longer. Be proud you made it up. You lay for a little while longer. Drift in and out of sleep. Think about getting up again, but don’t. Its okay, the day can wait.
After a while its time for coffee – the start button. you get out of bed a little quicker this time. Caffeine is waiting, your ignition on the brew. This time maybe you grab a book or your computer, something to take back to bed with you as you think more and more about getting up. Eventually you do, maybe at one o’clock or even four o’clock. Its okay. Its okay. Its okay. Its your time. Yes there are things that need to get done. There is house work, soul work, real-life job work. There is a busyness that will always be there, waiting for you, even if you don’t have a real-life job life takes work and trust me un-busy will only last for a little while. So while you are here in this time of “snail change” – as I like to call it, take your time. Figure out what you want to say, write, think, do. Learn who or what you want to give your love, energy, time, commitment to. Even if it means no exciting blogs, holding off on your 10 big new years resolutions, or sitting in the fear of not knowing for just a few seconds longer becoming less and less fearful as you realize “I’m still here! I’m still okay!” – because I think if you do, what you say will begin to really reflect who you are, 2015 will look more like the real you than any other year before, and not knowing will become more of a reason do-something now than a procrastination tool. Like how perfect saturday nights are when you have had the whole day to rejuvenate.
I know we don’t always get time for these types of moments, but I really believe the season happens nonetheless. So, even if all you can give if a few minutes here and there to reflect on how this season is slowly changing you and how you want those changes to continue in the new year, I think that would be fantastic!
I look forward to being around here more and learning to uncover the ideas I am passionate about through the words I type. I look forward to having a busy job (hopefully soon), I look forward to real tangible change, which I initiate. I REALLY look forward to seeing what God has in store for 2015, but for today I am going to get tacos at one of my favourite places and probably watch too much netflix before bed, and I am going to go to bed thanking God for the fact that I this week I get my perfect saturday morning every morning.